Knowing My Heart by Jaye Lewis

My hair. It’s my one vanity. At sixty-three, my hair is still a red gold. My pictures are not touched up. My hair has never changed. This certainty may soon be over, at least for awhile.

You see, I have been diagnosed with Interstitial Cystitis, and the only medication approved by the FDA to treat Interstitial Cystitis (IC) is Elmiron. One of Elmiron’s side effects is a type of hair loss called alopecia. Yes, in the not too far distant future, I will have a bald spot ― a nice and shiny bald spot.

I’m a pretty woman, with a warm smile and lovely expressive eyes; however time and disease (not to mention medications) have taken their toll on my body. I’m no longer slender, and after much whining and complaining to God, I have accepted it. Since my asthma requires high doses of prednisone, which plays havoc with my diabetes, I am subject to a plethora of side effects, like weight gain. Although I fight the pounds with exercise and diet, I’m no longer counting on losing weight. I try to comfort myself, that when I’m in heaven, I’ll be a lot taller.

I only just found out my new condition, so I spent yesterday looking up IC diets. I actually found one. It was filled with foods to avoid ― all my favorite foods, like coffee, chocolate, heavy cream, and a host of others. Now, believe it or not, I was encouraged to drink my favorite mint tea and I can eat my daughter’s oat bread ― yum ― and other whole grain breads.

I’m to run from butter, but not margarine and lard. Who wrote this diet, and when? I can’t believe that margarine and lard are still on a list of preferred foods, anywhere! Just when was this diet dreamed up? 1972?? To be fair, I was urged to avoid only one food at a time ― sort of trial and error ― until I find which foods have an effect on my IC.

I’ve decided to start eliminating grains I’ve never eaten, like quinoa, spelt, and amaranth. This list was definitely compiled by someone who’s stuck in the seventies. I can’t have cream, but I can have ice-cream and Cool Whip?? No offense to the brand name, but I prefer real food rather than fake.

The list of bladder friendly foods is not too bad. Some of my favorites are on it. All kinds of dried beans, which make great soups. And pumpkin, egg plant, and squash. I can eat coconut cream pie, pork chops, and chicken.

It’s not so bad, really. This is just one more thing that proves that we live in a fallen world, much like in the days of Noah. And just because I have one more thing to deal with, it’s no reason for me to give up. I’m quite certain, with the polluted air we breathe and our contaminated food supply, there will always be something.

I will not give up, no matter what my situation is. I will always have a plan of action. Banning citrus fruits is not the end of the world. Anything that affects the bladder must be eliminated for a time. The internet is a tool to seek out information, and I must use common sense when searching. I’m smarter than I think I am, and so are you. We are not victims.

So, now I wait, trusting in God and believing in His mercy. I can laugh at myself, and at my situation, because laughter is also a gift from Him. At these times, I can’t help but wonder about atheists. How can they endure the trials and tribulations of this life, without God? What do they do when all hope is lost? Call on Darwin? What nonsense! Darwin has no power to help anyone.

When all hope seems lost, I choose to find my strength in God. My faith assures me that He has a plan for me; that He will see me through every sorrow; that He will not forsake me; and that every blessing I have comes from Him. I can easily count my blessings: my wonderful husband, my beautiful daughters, my loveable pups, and my cat MeowMeow, who follows me around like a puppy, meowing all the way. God has given me my home, my garden, and my strength to carry on ― all of these gifts are because of Him and His grace.

So, I lose my hair! There are wigs and hats. I don’t have to look beautiful, to be beautiful. My blessings were truly evident in an offer from my youngest daughter. She has red-gold hair, that flows down her back and shimmers in the sunlight.

“I’ll give you my hair, Momma,” She offered, while tears streamed down her cheeks. We hugged as I told her what an angel she is.

So now, I will wait, with a laugh bubble in my throat, enjoying the ludicrous in life, even when the ludicrous is me. I’ll take my medicine and accept whatever comes. I will believe in remission, because God has promised to heal me. Whether my body or my soul, that is good enough for me.

Oh Father, I am so weak, but You are strong. I am filled with doubt, but You fill me with Your grace. Hold me, Father, and wipe away my tears. I can feel your comfort. I can feel your safety. Help me, Lord, to know my heart. Help me to be strong, so that others will seek their strength in You. Be my hiding place, as well as all who seek You. And to You be the praise, the honor, and the glory, forever. Amen.

With love,
Jaye Lewis
www.entertainingangels.org
www.jayelewisdiabetesdiary.blogspot.com

www.jayelewisliliesofthefield.blogspot.com

A Veteran's Prayer: Remembering the Fallen by Jaye Lewis

Father help me remember;
May I recall to the very last.
As I set my eyes on the future,
May I not forget the past.

Help me recall the suffering,
And every sacrifice, too.
May I never forget each drop of blood
That was shed in the sight of You.

May I never forget the sorrow.
May I not erase the pain,
Of the ones who’ll not see tomorrow,
Because they were cruelly slain.

Father help me remember
Each and every face —
Of my sisters and my brothers
Who cannot be replaced.

In my heart I watch them go,
So young and unafraid.
Leaving behind their precious loves,
And the plans that they had made.

Father help me remember
The faces, voices, and lives,
Who sacrificed their future
For brothers, sisters, and wives.

How can it be that they should go
And I be left behind?
Perhaps, my child, so you can tell
These stories to the blind.

But who is blind, oh Father?
Those who will not see
The sacrifice of others,
So precious, now, to Me.

Now, yours is a sacred duty,
A chance to set things straight;
To tell their sacred story,
Before it grows too late.

I pondered all the whispered words.
I heard my Father say;
How He loved the fallen
Who abide with Him today.

My heart was broken as I thought
Of those who’d gone before;
Protecting those they do not know,
In a world that’s still at war.

And so, I made a promise;
One I strive to keep.
I’ll tell their stories one by one,
Until it’s time to sleep.

Father, I will not forget.
I’ll remember to the last;
As I set my eyes on the future,
I will not forsake the past.

Good-by, my precious brothers;
And to my sisters too.
Save a place at the Master’s table;
In time, I’ll dwell with you.

© Jaye Lewis, Veteran’s Day 2009

Good-By Little Boy by Jaye Lewis

Andy. He was my cousin. Disturbed and charming, even at the age of four, he stole my sixteen year old heart. I was wounded myself, and perhaps I saw a bit of myself in him. Also, I was born with a sense of the ludicrous, and though he annoyed me, even enraged me, he usually got me laughing, in spite of myself.

Andy’s father, my Uncle Donny, was tough on his boys, and Andy was one in a million, easily on his way to the church or prison. I don’t think his heart was evil, and Uncle Donny did so much to save me, so where did those lives fail to save themselves? When did everything go wrong for both of them?

Perhaps it was when Aunt Maggie died. Perhaps it was because my parents went through friends and relatives like water through a sieve, drawing battle lines in the sand and declaring evil, what once was good. I’ll never know. Out of necessity, I lost track long ago.

The only thing I know is that my Aunt died in childbirth when I was pregnant with my first child, more than 40 years ago. Then seven years later, Andy shot and killed his father. Was it an accident? Was it intentional? Did my uncle turn to drink, as was the habit of my family when anything went wrong? Did he beat Andy? Did he work long hours? Did he abandon the little boy, as he became a man? Again, I’ll never know.

Recently, I did an internet search to find them, and find them I did. It has become easier now, with all the competing websites. I suppose that I hoped that Andy had become a man, married, and had children. Perhaps he was a businessman, now, or a laborer, a craftsman, anything but what I found.

Andy is gone. Shot dead, by a bullet from his own weapon. All that potential, all that I loved, all that I remembered, the little boy who annoyed me and made me laugh, was no longer here. In my heart, he’s still alive, and still very much a little boy. As a wounded teen, from a very dysfunctional family, I was healed by my love for that little lost boy, and now he is gone.

I got out of the website, erased the history, shut down my computer, and I cried. Broken hearted and defeated, I sobbed for an hour, and then I gave Andy, my Uncle, and my Aunt to God. It was then that I was able to write the following poem.

Good-by Little Boy

Good-by little boy, who will never be
A man of honor and truth.
You had more strikes against you
And burdens that stole your youth.

And, yet, you chose to end your hopes
One day with a loaded gun;
It was your decision; remember that.
You could have turned and run.

I do not know the demons
That pushed you to your fate;
You made your awful decision
And now it’s just too late.

Good-by little boy, my cousin dear,
Wish I could have saved you somehow.
Perhaps you were given a time to repent,
And you’re in God’s arms right now.

Yet, through the years you’ll always be
The child I learned to love;
Filled with fire and promise;
I pray, now, with God above.

© Jaye Lewis, 2009

Father in Heaven, thank You for the lives that have touched ours and changed our hearts forever. Let us not lose hope when someone dies, even in the worst of circumstances. Let us understand that in that brief second before we step into the great divide, there still are choices. Angels abide in those moments, although unseen to the rest of us. We only see our grief and our hopes lost, but let us never assume that all is lost, for we have You, oh Lord, as the rock to which we cling.

With love,
Jaye Lewis
www.entertainingangels.org
www.jayelewisdiabetesdiary.blogspot.com
www.jayelewisliliesofthefield.blogspot.com

Because I Can by Jaye Lewis

Hello friends,

Yesterday I found an expandable file that I had forgotten about. It was covered in dust, since I had not touched it for years. This time things were different, I opened it. Inside I discovered some illuminating things, notes from my husband, old poems that I’d written, first drafts of some of my stories, and memories, both good and bad.

Painful memories are not places that I want to visit frequently. I live a very happy life, and I’d rather not dwell on the heartaches of the past. However, as I looked at one of my stories, I saw the simply awful original title, and I remembered that I had submitted that story several times before it was finally published. That was nine years ago. The story was Entertaining Angels, which is the title of my website, and it has been published all over the world, in dozens of languages.

I bring this up, because we often have no idea what God wants of us. At that time I felt useless. I thought life had passed me by, and that no one would ever hear my voice. I was certain that I had let God down. How could I have known that God had a plan for me? How could I have known that my heart would touch so many other lives? And yet, on a cold winter’s morning, prompted by God, I wrote, for the first time, www. Like Abraham, I had no idea where I was going.

Computers terrified me. The internet seemed like the very spawn of the devil, and I just didn’t see how it could be of any use to me. I was very ill, in body and spirit, and the medicines that have since given me back my life, did not even exist. “WWW,” three letters that in nine years have taken me around the world, and touched the hearts and minds of people from many nations. If that is not a humbling thought, then I don’t know what is.

Along with this flood of memories, and the profound awareness of God’s hand, I found the evidence of those who had helped me achieve my dreams, simply because they could. These past nine years I have tried to do the same, and for that exact reason, simply because I can. Nothing feels better than doing something generous, simply because you can. No money or fame has as powerful a result as blessing someone ― giving of yourself, simply because you can. That is what I do today, with all my heart. Asking nothing in return, I’m passing on blessings, simply because I can.

So, today I challenge you to look within your own life, and recognize the blessings that others have given to you, simply because they could. A smile. A warm handshake. An introduction. A kind word. These are the things that can change lives, perhaps even save a life. You never know. These are the things that are the evidence, that we, just like Abraham, are entertaining angels.

With love,
Jaye Lewis
www.entertainingangels.org
www.jayelewisdiabetesdiary.blogspot.com
www.entertainingangelsencouragingwords.blogspot.com

An Unexpected Journey By Jaye Lewis

Hello friends,

This past week-end I have achieved something that I have been thinking about for a long time. I have begun a new blog, which means that I have two blogs, both of which will be filled with thoughtful insight into the many aspects of my life.

However, the focus in my new blog is my journey with diabetes. It can be visited at www.jayelewisdiabetesdiary.blogspot.com Diabetes is a complicated disease, which can become even more complex when combined with other diseases, especially asthma. As an asthmatic I take this all very seriously, yet sometimes I find myself wondering ‘why me.’

Many people view diabetes as a death sentence, and they feel that they now have a downhill slide into an open grave. Nothing could be further from the truth. The fact is that diabetes can often be overcome with diet and exercise, alone. I know, because I have done that very thing. However, if and when your condition changes, as mine did, there are a wealth of new drugs that do not have the same side effects as insulin. I, myself, am on such a drug. And, if someone’s diabetes can only be controlled with insulin, life can still be full and exciting.

At the very least, diabetes can be a launching pad to greater health and an understanding of just how precious life is. I hope to inspire diabetics, and anyone else who knows and loves a diabetic. I hope to encourage them to look beyond themselves so that they might see life’s treasures, whether family or friends or even themselves, to celebrate the life that God has given to them.

So, my friends, I also urge you to look around in your world and find the treasures awaiting you. May God grant you mercy and grace. May he fill your life with abundance, and may He, most of all, fill your heart with peace.

If you know a diabetic, or if you are a diabetic, please send or click on my Diabetes Diary blog at www.jayelewisdiabetesdiary.blogspot.com and join me in my journey.

With love,
Jaye Lewis
www.entertainingangels.org
www.entertainingangelsencouragingwords.blogspot.com
www.jayelewisdiabetesdiary.blogspot.com

Stealing Peace at Life's End by Jaye Lewis

1. 
   Hello friends,
   
   I found myself unable to get to sleep last night. You see, I was broadsided by some alarming news. My Senator, Mark Warner, whose programs, as Governor of the State of Virginia, enabled my children to finish their college education, is the spearhead of new legislation on end of life care.
   
   When I read the bill, on his website, I felt like I had been kicked in the stomach. This program will “take care” of seniors like me, at the end of our lives, by encouraging us to hear sermons on “living wills and other planning tools.” Such as what? Suicide? Refusing treatment? Being a heck of a gal, by removing my wrinkled body from this earth, to make room for a younger, more valuable person?
   
   It’s called The Senior Navigation and Planning Act of 2009. The main points of the bill are these

Enhance Medicare and Medicaid coverage of advanced illness care management services;

Require doctors to provide patients with information on living wills and other planning tools

Give providers incentives to achieve accreditation and certification in hospice and palliative care

Encourage more comprehensive discharge planning

Increase public awareness about the importance of end-of-life planning

I just love the term “palliative care.” Palliative care sounds like a compassionate service to assist the aged to comfortably live out the rest of their lives. Well, it is actually an intrusion upon the beliefs and faith of the elderly person. Taken right from their website at GetPalliativeCare.org, here are the facts:

A team of experts, including palliative care doctors, nurses and social workers, provide palliative care. Chaplains, massage therapists (massage therapists??) pharmacists, nutritionists and others might also be part of the team. Typically, you get non-hospice palliative care in the hospital through a palliative care program. Working in partnership with your primary doctor, the palliative care team provides:
• Expert treatment of pain and other symptoms
• Close, clear communication (yelling?)
• Help navigating the healthcare system
• Guidance with difficult and complex treatment choices
• Detailed practical information and assistance
• Emotional and spiritual support for you and your family

Yay! I get to spend the end of my life in a hospital surrounded by strangers! I’ll be guided or manipulated, whether I want it or not! I’ll be barraged with detailed, practical information, which should give me just enough time to do what I don’t want. And I and my family will receive “emotional and spiritual support.” This just sickens me.

First of all, my doctor and I already have a partnership. We have mapped out a program which manages my pain, diabetes, and the nausea that many medicines cause. We’ve had a close, clear communication for years, and she has earned my trust. She is not a stranger. Also, being a retired military family, believe me, we know about navigating the healthcare system.

Okay, here’s one of my favorites: “Guidance with difficult and complex treatment choices.” Oh, come on, like I’m not already doing that. Or like I’m going to trust some stranger. Do you know how many doctors I’ve fired who wanted, I guess, to buy a boat, or a pony, or a jet plane, or whatever, all centered around invasive, ridiculous, often dangerous procedures. Most of us, by the time we reach retirement age, know what our symptoms are, and if we’re computer friendly, we have memorized the list of available medicines for treatment, and their side effects.

Here is the bottom line for me. I receive emotional and spiritual support from my family, you know, my husband, children, dogs, cats, gardening, writing, keeping active, and a personal, intimate relationship with God! My husband loves me, adores me, and his sheltering arms are the comfort I need. My children cherish every moment they spend with me. Perhaps we are a special family, a blessed family, but I know many other families who hate the idea of having strangers make decisions or manipulate their beloved spouse, parent or grandparent.

So, now you know, if this bill is passed, I…and you…will have more interference than we ever wanted…near or at the end of our lives. And who gets to vote on just exactly what that is? According to this bill? Them. You know, the present day “them” and the unknown, future “them.” In Germany, 1931, the future “them” turned out to be Hitler.

Mark Warner is a good man, but “good” does not always translate into wisdom. This bill has no wisdom in it. It’s a callous device. Callousness is often cloaked in kindness, as in requiring a doctor to coerce an elderly person into signing a “living will.” Which is actually a “dying” will, prepared while you are still breathing. Let me see, do I want them to starve me or remove fluids, so that I die of thirst, experiencing that “blissful death” I’ve heard way too much about in recent years?

So, no. This is a bill that I hope will fail. I hope that God sends angels to the terminally ill, and to those who are aged and alone and dependent upon so-called “compassionate strangers.” And for those of us who resent intrusion, may God protect us and guide us into wisdom and strength.

Father in heaven, I know that none of us has wisdom, but You have given us intellects and hearts to understand right from wrong. Help us, Lord, to set apart partisan politics and work together for the good of our country. Help us to weed out the hysteria, which has overtaken our elective process. Lead us, dear God, into a righteous tomorrow. Grant us peace now, and at the end of our lives.

With love,
Jaye Lewis

Come Let Us Reason Together by Jaye Lewis

Hello friends,

If you are anything like me, you are nearly comatose with boredom over the present proceedings that are doing their best to demonize the candidate for the Supreme Court. I’ve seen so much of this, and the tactics that are used just make me sick. Justice Thomas, Justice Roberts, others, and now Sotomayor. All have gone through pressures that would have me saying, “Okay folks, I’m for this, and I’m against that. Either choose me or don’t. I’m going home!” It’s ridiculous the hoops that candidates are made to jump through.

It’s not hard to see that Sotomayor has a name that I will never learn to spell correctly. However it is also clear that she is an honest woman, and one who has served as judge in many courts of law. What the heck is all this haranguing about? I don’t understand it. I think the Senators just like to hear themselves talk.

Whatever happened to reason? You know “reason.” To think logically, to analyze, to deduce, to use common sense. I wonder if that has left the universe. In the Book of Isaiah God says to His people, “Come, let us reason together.” This was a plea for understanding. I guess if the Creator of the Universe was ignored by a bunch of dunderheads, we can certainly expect our elected officials to put us to sleep.

You can probably tell this all annoys me. I just hate time, energy, common sense, and reason to be wasted by what appears to be a spitting contest. I love our country. I love our laws. I love that Justice is usually blind. I hate discrimination of any kind, even that silly expression, “reverse discrimination.” I’ve never identified myself with one group or another. I’ve never thought, nor have I spoken of myself as belonging to “the white race.” I’ve always, and will always, be a part of the human race.

I have many nationalities within me. Some of my ancestors I can trace back to before the Revolutionary War. Others were immigrants, like so many other people. I don’t understand hatred, prejudice, or overt ethnicity. I’m not a victim, nor am I superior to anyone. That was one thing that my father got right. He taught me to respect and honor everyone’s right to live free in this country, without prejudice.

If you have kept up with this blog of mine, then you know who and what I am. You know I love God, and that I have an intimate relationship with Him. He comes first. You know I love my husband. He is the love of my life. You know that I love and respect my daughters, and that I am in awe of their talents and intelligence. You know that I love to take intimate pictures of God’s creation. Yes, His creation. If you can gaze at a sunset or sunrise from beginning to the end, and you can still say this universe is an accident, then I will call you a fool. Nothing is so obvious as the reality of God’s love, nor His passion for beauty.

If there is no God, then why bother? Why bother getting that college degree? Why bother marrying? Why bother having children? Why bother becoming a better person today, than you were yesterday? Why bother, when the sands of time flow swiftly towards the end of one’s life? What happens after you close your eyes for the last time? Do you just sleep forever? That’s a scary thought. Do you simply cease to exist? That’s even scarier. Why bother?

So, I guess you could say that we are in an era where reason has ceased to exist. We hysterically follow this or that for reasons unknown. Well, I refuse. I’ve traveled those roads, and they lead to nowhere. The only place that I have ever found mercy, forgiveness, understanding, love, and yes, reason…is at the foot of the Cross of Christ. It is in Him that I trust. His grace orders my life. I can tell Him anything, and I know that I am heard, personally.

I don’t know if I have ever told you that it was my husband who led me to understand the grace of Christ, and to accept it. It is so hard to imagine a God who requires our hearts, and only that. Man keeps getting in the way of His grace. It has been said that God created man in His own image, and man has been trying to re-create God ever since.

So, as I listen to a bunch of pretenders —Jesus called them “hypocrites…” or actors in a play, I must retreat from the news channels. I choose to praise God instead, for every lovely thing I see, whether it is a sunset, or the arrival of my beautiful daughters, or the look in my husband’s eyes as he looks into mine. Yes, I praise him even for the little souls in my care, those little pups who bless my life each day.

Thank you, friends, for listening. I know that many of you have such thoughts as I have this day. It makes me feel better to know that many of you have hearts of understanding and love. Thank you with all my heart.

With love,
Jaye Lewis
www.entertainingangels.org
www.entertainingangelsencouragingwords.blogspot.com